OPERATION RESTORE HOPE

the following is a WEEK-LONG journal WRITTEN by our participants. each day, select veterans would write about their adventures, thoughts, and emotions. their writings have been combined to create this log OF our voyage. we hope that you enjoy reading and thus, experience a retreat through the words of our participants. their growth and healing is accoMplished through shared experiences and this time together will be carried forward for years to come. enjoy reading about a week at sea with dsv.

Saturday JUNE 22ND, 2019

As the sun rises in Nassau, our advanced party of staff members wake and await the arrival of this year’s Valkyries.  The past 48 hours have been spent traveling and preparing for what we hope will be a week of growth and healing.  Several staff members are traveling today and will rendezvous with a number of participants in key airports.  For staff, this is one of the more stressful days – we ask Chaps to pray for the safe travel of all, that connections are made and luggage arrives, and that the hearts and minds of our participants are open to the week in front of them.

The arrival of Veterans is a mixture of emotions.  Most are excited, some apprehensive, nearly all are exhausted from traveling through the night or very early departures from their homes.  For some, this is the first time they are traveling without the assistance of a loved one, others are leaving the country for the first time since they returned home from combat.  All are out of their comfort zone.  We strive to make everyone feel welcome and work through the process of transportation from the airport, to the docks, loading onto our Vessel, and departing for the Exumas.  Paper work, bunk assignments, more paperwork, issuing gear, verifying certifications, and of course lunch, all before we can depart.

Before lines are tossed and the boat can leave the harbor, we address a couple of false truths with this year’s group.  One is the idea that this program, or any program, can completely heal a Veteran.  While most share common themes in their trauma, it is still unique to each individual and how they process those events.  While these men and women will receive more counseling in a week than many traditional programs offer in 6 months, we cannot return a Veteran to who they were before their trauma.  This program is meant to serve as a pivot point for an individual who is not satisfied with the status quo… for someone who is looking to change the trajectory of their life.  We are going to address hard concepts and difficult topics.  We may challenge their ideas and understanding of trauma.  But if they can have faith in our process and, if only for one week, be vulnerable enough to go all in, we promise them that their life can be changed.

With everyone arriving safely, crew and staff introductions complete, and safety briefings finished, we depart Nassau harbor for the crossing of the Yellow Bank towards the Exuma Cays.  The weather is hot and humid with little breeze but the sea is the calmest we have ever seen.  This is good for those that have never been on a boat like this before.  Chaps prays for the group’s success this week, for a safe week at sea, and for those still in harm’s way in distant lands.  We are blessed to be in this amazing place where real healing can begin.

Sunday JUNE 23RD, 2019

Today’s weather is warm with a light breeze… somewhere between hot and awesome yet beautiful.  All the meals have been amazing and no one is going hungry!  Everyone has seen something new – jacks, lobster, crabs, lionfish, rays, and squid.  But at the end of the day, I experienced something unique … stars so bright you could navigate off of them and humanity that I can believe in.  I learned in this first day how to ask for help and that my struggles are not unique.  The men and women around me struggle in the same ways yet I have felt accepted, blessed, and accomplished.  Today I am hopeful.

Today’s activities were a first for so many.  We dove on a plane wreck (which was the first ocean dive for many) and I am hooked!  The water here is so clear and beautiful.  I am almost overwhelmed by how peaceful and tranquil it is under water and swimming with all the marine life is amazing. The plane is so cool! I could see doing this a lot in the future. I wish my significant other was here but I know there is a lot of work to be done and this is work to do on myself. I am looking forward to the sessions and apprehensive about opening up, but I have to, I need to talk about it all…

It is hard to say what this week might bring.  Everyone wants to be optimistic throughout this process but there is no guarantee and I think that scares people.  If I am to be optimistic then going forward I need to encourage the others here to ask for help.  My job in the military was to care for the wounded – I want to do that here but it can be a challenge.  In the meantime I will remember the passion and kindness of Josh and Neysa … Chaps has the most sincere eyes attached directly to his soul, the humor and professionalism of Travis and the rest of the staff is unmatched.  The resiliency of the Veterans who I now call part of my tribe, I MUST start my day with gratitude. You can do anything but you can’t do everything.  I will use gratefulness in my life constantly (first in the morning, last at night) as a routine and understanding. I want to be conscious that I have a choice in rewriting my narrative.

Today it is sunny and hot!  But the meals are delicious.  A traditional American spread throughout each meal as we navigate between islands.  Evidently some people had too much to eat as someone decided to blow chicken chunks into the sea right as we began our dive!  Despite their efforts, we all learned how to descend without visual reference between the chicken!

The experiences today were surreal.  Many of us had our deepest dives since being certified but the staff took amazing care of us – they never let us go beyond our capabilities even if we wanted to!  Some of us dove with the Chaplain even though they aren’t religious.  Others went with the instructors to ensure safety.  Throughout this process we all realized that our health could be so much worse yet here we are on this amazing adventure doing something we never thought we could – I think everyone is pushing our perceived limitations.  The night dive was amazing, the biggest crab I have ever seen. There were also some great caves I got to look in. The group of people have been great, what a great overall experience.

Even though we are in this amazing place, many of us are reminded at times of those that can’t be here.  That is ok – while difficult we know that we should honor them in these experiences.  Today, I need to remind myself to laugh. My life doesn’t always have to be so serious and depressing all the time. Spending time talking with Travis has helped me look at my views and beliefs in a different light. My journey is not going to be easy but hopefully I can remind myself that I have done my best and my struggles are not my fault.

One of the biggest things I learned so far is how to deal with family issues back home. I needed others to guide me and give me advice this week. I have started to learn more about my faith. I had given up on religion after my mom died 12 years ago. However, I am trying to reintroduce God back into my life. I am coming into this with an open mind. I have loved my talks with staff one on one … It has helped me process some of my issues with my PTSD.

I think many of us need this week to help us get through the tough days that await us back home.  I know my bad days are not as bad as some others though. As I watch some of our participants struggle with their physical limitations, it gives me hope and peace at the same time. Hope that tomorrow will bring happiness and pain free days - I cannot remember the last time I had a pain free day. Even with their struggles they never complain and always find the best in a situation. The peace part, I will try to find peace in everything. Peace with God, wife, kids and most importantly peace with myself.  As I look and listen to everyone’s story and the struggles with addiction from drugs to alcohol this is something I need to address in my life and hope to find the correct answer for me.

Tuesday June 25th, 2019

Another warm and beautiful day.  While there is not much of a breeze, we have come to find out that means the sea is as flat as glass.  I have never seen something so calm and relaxing.  I think we are all grateful for the calm waters since it’s TACO TUESDAY!  Every meal has been amazing but our lunch spread was epic and everyone is eating a ridiculous amount of food.  Those looking forward to shedding a couple pounds with all our activities might be a little disappointed with 3 full meals a day plus snacks between.

Everyone is very excited and a little apprehensive with today’s dives.  The shark feeding is planned on the wreck of the Austin Smith.  For just about everyone, this is our first large shipwreck and shark feeding – not something many divers, especially new divers get to experience!  Once we got down on the wreck, our Dive Master brought the ‘Chum-cicle’ down and tied it to the wreck we were on.  For almost 20 minutes, dozens of sharks and numerous smaller fish feasted on these frozen fish.  The sheer power of the sharks was humbling to everyone.  Our Project Aware course on Shark Conservation took on new meaning being in the water with these amazing creatures.  Aside from the sharks we saw stingrays, lionfish, lobsters, other fish I couldn’t identify, and one of the most amazing sunsets.

We continue to grow throughout our sessions as we learn about ourselves and learn from one another.  These sessions have helped me relook at how stuff is really compared to what is perceived.  This trip has opened my eyes up to a whole new world with religion and it showed me how important friends and family really are. It also shows how much diving helps me mentally and physically.

Going forward, I need to use what I have learned to help me communicate with other people and to overcome symptoms and fears of being alone with PTSD.  We are all learning how to cope and problem solve rather than simply be a victim of our circumstances.  This week I have grown so much in so little time. I feel great moving forward and growing - this experience has changed my outlook on the way people see and treat Veterans. I am amazed by the care and support the staff has for all us disabled Veterans.  I have overcome some of my fears and came a long way so far this week. This has been really good for my self-esteem and I am very thankful and blessed to be where I am right now. I am in a good place and this experience has me moving on in life in a positive way.

Wednesday June 26tH, 2019

The weather continues to be amazing.  Not sure how we got so lucky – the crew can’t remember the last time it was so calm and flat for so long, even outside of the islands on the non-protected side.  Our chef is a miracle worker in possibly the smallest kitchen anywhere.  A big heaping of French Toast this morning with some fruit, chicken and fish later in the day, and a birthday cake for dessert after dinner!

The sights and sounds continue to amaze everyone providing excitement and peace at just the right moments.  Today’s dives were unique.  We conducted a very fast drift dive called the “Washing Machine.”  For those unprepared, this can be a challenging dive.  Very fast and chaotic at times – kind of like our time in service.  We also did a wall dive and saw where the coral reef drops off to several thousand feet.  It is at the walls where you will see the deepest blue the ocean has to offer.  We also did a beach trip again to stretch our legs.

Our group sessions get more and more powerful each day.  Our group has grown close together and the trust we share amongst one another is allowing us to open up about the challenges we are facing.  The talk on post-traumatic growth and the possibilities ahead helped to clear my vision – much anxiety was released.  I realized I have imposed on myself a death grip, I can’t stumble or falter, (even at a new activity like diving) because a gaff equals failure.  The voyage has helped me realize that and has given me a path to walk, a path where I am okay. Where an equipment failure is not a personal failure and a gaff is funny and not catastrophic.

We are all continuing to learn and grow.  I was once told that “in order for an arrow to fly, it must first be drawn back”. With that said, whenever I feel as things are not going my way I must always remember to accept the things that I cannot change, have the courage to change the things that I can and always trust that God will give me the wisdom to know the difference.  I need to use these moments to grow and build healthier relationships. 

My life is a book but more importantly, I am the author of my own story.   It’s entirely up to me whether it is a NY Times bestseller or a BFE back alley dentist waiting room magazine. I deserve to be happy as long as I continue to be a good man, husband, and father. I’ll cherish this week for the rest of my life .. it has been a breakthrough on my walk with the Lord.  No matter what, keep the faith.

Thursday June 27TH, 2019

Today’s weather has taken a slight change from the past week – started cloudy with a slight breeze – then was sunny and calm again before we finished breakfast.  The food today has been healthy and balanced like every day.  I love that there is fresh fruit available at all times of the day when you want another snack!  We have another unique dive today that only the staff has done before – we are going to Nassau’s Blue Hole.  It is the weirdest thing to stand on the ocean floor at 60’ and look into this giant sinkhole that drops another 200+ feet or so below you.  As it is mating season, we are told there may be a significant number of sharks in the blue hole – we were not disappointed.  Once we descended past 70 feet or so, there was the equivalent of a ‘Sharknado’ with hundreds of sharks circling in the blue hole all around us.  Another humbling experience.

Our counseling sessions continue to build upon one another.  Today we are reaffirming each member of our new tribe as we are still learning about this amazing group.  Our nightly assessments have come full circle today and we discovered that everyone in the group has lost someone to suicide.  This was a rather vulnerable event as we incorporated the boat crew bridging the Veteran – Civilian divide.  This week, and particularly today has taught me a number of things…

I want to live a life with less worry and less stress. I don’t get too emotional, while both positive and negative, yet I don’t want to let problems bring me down because I know there will always be these challenges in life.  I have a new tribe and they are my family now.  This week has provided a number of lessons that I need to apply daily from stress management skills to PTSD coping skills.  I also need to adjust my perspective and try to take a macro scale view recognizing the struggles other Veterans are facing.

The insight that has been provided to not only myself, but everyone here allows us to slay our own demons and continue to grow more in our recovery.  I am so grateful to the entire staff for selecting me and providing me with this amazing opportunity.  I have never participated in group counseling or alternative therapy programs and this week has been so beneficial to my overall health.

Friday JunE 28TH, 2019

As Friday morning dawns over Nassau harbor, we find the goodbyes difficult, as much for staff as for our participants.  We have watched these Veterans come together in less than a week as a group and find mutual support and trust amongst one another.  We have seen how this new tribe will lift each other up as they struggle and have their brother’s six.   As we continue to expand our reach, there have been opportunities for participants from different operational years to meet and expand their support system.  Shared experiences bring people together in all walks of life and shared healing is a powerful force.   Many people ask us what all happens during a week at sea with DSV and it is difficult to put into words even sharing these ‘Captain’s Logs’.  Much of what occurs is not to be shared outside of our participants and staff.  That being said, here are some raw numbers to reflect upon:

One week ago, 18 Veterans departed their homes for what we hoped would be an adventure for the books.  More than 45,000 miles would be flown from their homes to Nassau and back.  During their week at sea, nearly 110 nautical miles were sailed throughout the Exuma Cays.  Each day, these Veterans gathered for devotions and group sessions focused on healing and growth.  The days were filled with diving, snorkeling, and adventures on remote islands.  All told, this year’s group had a combined total of 259 dives reaching a combined depth of 12,012 feet.  That is approximately 2.3 statute miles or 1.97 nautical miles, 9,924 combined minutes underwater, or 22.2 hours – 8 days and 8 hours. We consumed 457,440 pounds of air or 12,198 cubic feet.

These Veterans represent more than 239 years of service to our Nation with just over 44 years deployed.  While this chapter, like many others comes to a close, we know that these men and women are better prepared to continue writing their next chapter which is their best seller – they have survived and will thrive.

On behalf of the Veterans we serve, we sincerely thank our sponsors who make these counseling retreats possible.  Whether corporate or individual, this program could not succeed without your continued support and commitment.  We are humbled each and every year by the Veterans that place their trust in us, becoming members of our own tribe and who inspire us to find ways to give even more.

Until next time,

From the staff of Operation Restore Hope - Josh, Neysa, Travis, Jay “Chaps”, and Matt.